Something I've kept my mouth shut about

I just read the most amazing thing.

I've been out of roller derby for about 3 years now... more if you count my last active season where I was hurt and sick for most of it.  Now that I've been out of the game for this long, severed almost all derby ties, and finished up my derby-related physical therapy (waited years too long to get on that...), I feel like I might be able to talk about it a little bit.

The decision to walk away from derby was not an easy one.  But at the same time the decision to quit brought me the greatest sense of relief I've ever experienced.

I almost went back after the fact.  And when they asked if I wanted to play in an exhibition game, I almost didn't delete the email.

Firstly, I absolutely don't have time to commit to derby any more.  It would be like having a very intense second job, only I'd be losing money to it hand over fist.  When you have a husband, a toddler, a full-time job, a weekly D&D game, a growing social life, and plans to go back to school, that shit just isn't going to fly.

But my time aside, I don't know if I can handle the disappointment.

One of my major character flaws is that my default belief in people is that they are all kind, decent, intelligent human beings with common sense and everybody else's best interest at heart.  That's why I'm disappointed so often.  I just can't bring myself to be jaded all the time.

After dealing with the gossips, the attention whores, the cliques, and the mean girls for three 2-hour practices a week plus committee meetings plus charity and PR events plus the actual bouts themselves, I just couldn't do it anymore.  I wasn't asking for my hand to be held and my back to be pat every single moment of every single day, but I certainly wasn't prepared to be written off as a socially retarded, untalented failure so quickly.  I'll own up to being socially retarded any day of the week, but it's not like I didn't try to talk to people.

Once your team gives up on you and decides that you're a liability, you get pushed into the background.  So you need more practice on the track?  Too bad -- they're putting in the best girls all the time so they can use the time to get better.  So you need some pointers every now and again?  Too bad -- they don't have time for you since you'll probably only be skating in two jams a period anyway.  Maybe it would have been different on a different team.  Maybe not.

You know when I knew I wasn't valuable to my team?  When I started being put in the penalty box as a sub (when that was allowed).  I took that, wrapped it into a ball, put it inside of me, and used it to fuel my rage.  If I was putting 80% of my effort into practices before that started happening, I started putting 200% of effort in afterwards.  And that was great for a while.  I got stronger, I got faster, I got more confident.

But I was already written off.  So every day that I'd come to practice and be made to sit out longer and longer during practice bouts, I'd give less and less of myself to the game.  I'm not going to lie -- I was sort of relieved when I injured my wrist and ankle, as much as that fucking hurt.  At least then I had a good reason to be on the sidelines.

Don't think I'm whining or complaining about my derby experience.  Really.  Don't.  This is what happened and I learned from it.  I haven't given up on humanity yet.  I'd love to say that I made a ton of good friends and had a great time 100% of the time but that's just not true.  I'm still glad that I did it.  I proved to myself that I was stronger than I thought I was.  Making it on to a team was the toughest thing I've ever had to do until I gave birth.

Actually, birth was less exhausting than tryouts.

Love,
Kim Jong Kill (1/2 - Dagger Dolls)

P.S. LOL at the Excel Energy Center that has a huge MNRG mural in the lobby that has me skating in the background.  Time to update your photography, yo.