My brain is a dick

I invited five strangers from the Internet to come into my home tomorrow and play Pathfinder with me.  Barring any axe-murdery events, this will be the first -- and long overdue – real attempt at socializing in Denver.  Only took me four months.

It’s totally dorky but I started reading How to Win Friends and Influence People because yes, I really am that socially retarded.  I started reading a different book before this one but I got totally embarrassed because every chapter heading on my Nook was emblazoned with a giant “HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN 90 SECONDS OR LESS” logo and I generally only read in public and on the bus.  I’m doing pretty good at practicing the Art of Not Giving A Fuck but I’m not quite 100% there yet.  Not that I really want to get to the point where I’m reading Hustler on the bus in plain view or anything, but I just feel weird about self-help books in general.  Also, that particular book started going down a fluffy woo path pretty early.  I did get something out of the few pages I did read, which is the reiteration of the fact that I need to work on eye contact. 

I greatly dislike making eye contact.

I am nearly phobic about it.

It’s definitely a part of my greater social phobia, but my brain interprets people looking at me as, “THEY’RE JUDGING YOU. RIGHT NOW.  THEY’RE TOTALLY LAUGHING AT YOU.  LOOK.  THEY’RE POINTING AND LAUGHING.  GO ON, LOOK!  LOOK!”  And I’m all like, shut the fuck up, brain.  I’m not looking.  And my brain’s like, “THEY’RE LOOKING AT YOU AND LAUGHING WHILE YOU PASS – HERE, I’LL SHOW YOU IN YOUR PERIPHERAL VISION.”  And I’m like, my peripheral vision’s all blurry and you’re just making stuff up now and I’ll thank you to keep your hallucinatory imagery strictly in my dreams.

I resolved this morning to look at strangers in the eye and make note of their eye color.  Total eyes seen by me today: 0.

I panicked at a fast food restaurant today and ordered a drink when I didn’t want one because I for some reason couldn’t end the transaction.  Then I dropped my change on the ground.  Then I dropped a glove.  Ugh.

I really have been doing better socially, but today has not been my best day.