Taking charge: Part 1

I am unattractive.

Stay with me here.  I swear this isn't a waaaaaaah post.

I am not what you'd call classically beautiful.  I'm short, have a wide back, giant calves and thighs, a bulbous nose, terrible thick and unruly hair, moles everywhere. 

Me tonight

I don't photograph well.  I have a weird smile and one of my eyes always closes halfway and makes me look stoned out of my gourd. 

I can only remember two times in my life where someone called me "beautiful."  I remember one of those times very clearly because it was only a few years ago.  I was wearing a dress and actually put on makeup because we were going to a wedding.  Husband's aunt actually stopped short and said, "You're beautiful!"  I was caught off guard and managed to stutter a thank-you.  I didn't look like myself that day.

Me not looking at all like me

I've gone through all the stages of questioning, doubt, denial, and acceptance.  I look like what I look like. 

I am determined to take pictures of myself nonetheless.  I want to do this for my daughter.

I realized today that there are very few photos of me from about age 7 to age 23.  My family and friends just didn't use cameras very often, and if they did they weren't taking pictures of me.  And I was just fine with this.  As unattractive as I am now, I was exponentially so when I was going through puberty.  I don't even want to talk about my giant frizzy hair.

As few pictures as there are of me, there are far less of my mother.  She died when I was 10.  I have a terrible memory anyway and I don't remember faces very well.  I only have two or three photos to remind me what she looked like.  I barely know what kind of person she was.  I know she liked to crochet.  She was a good cook.  She was a hard worker.  Photos might have been able to provide some kind of clue as to her interests, her dreams, her passions.

I think about this all the time: what if something happens to me?  Will Lily remember my face?

So I will take pictures of myself not as any kind of Internet attention whore.  In the end I only care about me and mine.  I will take pictures of myself even if no one else will.

Depending on the day, and depending on what I ate
I'm anywhere from 20 to 35 pounds overweight
I got red eyes and one of them's lazy
And they both squint when the sun shines so I look crazy
I'm albino man, I know I'm pink and pale
And I'm hairy as hell, everywhere but fingernails
I shave a cranium that ain't quite shaped right
Face tight, shiny, I stay up and write late nights
My wardrobe is jeans and faded shirts
A mixture of what I like, and what I wear to work
I'm not mean and got a neck full of razor bumps
I'm not the classic profile of what the ladies want
You might think I'm depressed as can be
But when I look in the mirror I see sexy ass me
And if that's something that you can't respect then that's peace
My life's better without you actually
- Brother Ali - Forest Whitaker