So the other day I was making baby food. I was plowing right along. I had a system. Puree one batch while the next defrosts in the microwave. Nuke, buzz, scoop, freeze. Earlier that weekend I had cooked two bags of dry beans to stock the freezer and I had some leftovers that I intended to use in baby food. So I use my wonderful stick blender to puree some great northern beans. Whoops, there's not enough liquid in there and now half the beans are stuck under the blades.
Now, normally I am the person with the most common sense in the room. I'm not bragging, this is something that has just become apparent to me over time. So normally when this happens (it does often) I have enough common sense to remove the blade portion of the blender from the motor end, use a small rubber spatula to scoop out the stuck food, and go about my business.
Stress is a serious problem. The American Institute of Stress lists 50 common signs and symptoms of stress, including everything from heartburn, hives, and panic attacks to indecisiveness, excessive defensiveness, and social isolation. They don't mention temporary insanity on this list, though some of the symptoms certainly could be construed that way.
So that fateful day when my beans were stuck in my blender I absentmindedly decided to use my finger to scoop them out. Without removing the blades. While my hand was on the trigger. While it was plugged in.
Have you ever experienced anything so shocking and traumatic that time slows down and it feels like you've been launched out of your body and that you are watching a horrible movie about someone doing something horribly stupid? As my hand squeezed the blender's trigger, my exact thoughts were, "Did I just do that? Why did I just do that? That's an interesting noise."
That noise, of course, was the sound of razor sharp blades slicing easily through my fingernail and flesh.
I'm lucky that those blades cut in a counterclockwise direction. If my fingernail wasn't there I probably would have lost the tip of my finger. It bled for two days straight.
I've been under quite a lot of stress lately, but I didn't think it was to the point of subconscious self-destruction. It honestly felt like a blast of alien hand syndrome. Why would I have pushed the button? What the hell? So many questions.
Do you sadists want to know what it looks like to have your finger torn apart by a 200-watt kitchen appliance? Here's a picture of my cat surrounded by wooden blocks. You may click on her to see the carnage if you wish.
So there you go, that is the Most Goddamn Stupid Thing I Have Ever Done.
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