Ayurveda: abhyanga oil self-massage

Needing some me time last night, I gave abhyanga a whirl last night. I'm glad I did! If the thought of slathering yourself in warm oil in a non-sexual context makes you uncomfortable, you need to get your mind out of the gutter and try it anyway.

Why is flinging oil around your bathtub worth it? For one, it's excellent for your skin. It's highly relaxing (especially right after a particularly intense roller derby practice!). As with all massage, it tones the muscles, increases circulation, and helps get those toxins moving out of your tissues.

Now the good stuff: the how-to. Or HOWTO if you're Cory Doctorow. Abhyanga is normally done first thing in the morning. Step one is to find some oil. Sesame oil is best but harder to find, and I'm not talking about the sesame oil you use in your stir-fry. You'd come out stinking like a cheap Chinatown hooker and nobody wants that. The sesame oil you're looking for has not been roasted, toasted, or cooked to shit. You could use any massage oil you'd like. You can even use olive, coconut, jojoba, hell, even canola would work.

Step two: If you've got a handy-dandy squeeze bottle available, put about 1/4 cup of your oil in that, then put the bottle in some hot water for about 5 minutes. Or you can go ghetto like me and put your oil in a glass measuring cup and nuking it for 15-20 seconds in the microwave. Ah, technology.

Step three: Get naked and take off all your jewelry. It would be a good idea to put down an old hand towel or rubber mat in your bathtub. Or get a cheap plastic step stool at the dollar store and sit on that. Remember kids, oil is slippery and don't blame me if you fall and crack your head on your tub.

Step four: Grease yourself up like a pig at a county fair in Missouri (Scotti's gonna kill me). This includes your head. Yes, your hair and everything. Don't worry, you have shampoo, right? No? Dirty hippy.

Step five: Let the relaxation commence. Using the palms of your hand, work the oil into your scalp using circular motions. This is really nice, so try not to drool too much. Move to your forehead and use long horizontal strokes with your palm. Then switch to your fingers and massage your temples, ears, and your head behind your ears. Use your palm and fingers to massage the front and back of your neck. Go horizontally across your upper chest. Use a lighter touch on your torso. Go vertically up and down your sternum. If you're female you should avoid the breasts because your girls will be sagging enough by themselves in a few years without you tugging on them. Go up and down on your abdomen. Move back up and get your shoulders using circular strokes with your fingers. Get your back any way you can, as much as you can. There's no need to dislocate your shoulders here, just do your best. Now, using firmer strokes, massage your arms and legs. Use long strokes on the upper and lower arms and legs and switch to circular strokes on your elbows, wrists, fingers, hips, knees, ankles, and toes. Spend a lot of time on the tops and bottoms of your feet and don't forget to get between your toes.

Step six: Take a nice warm shower and soap up, you dirty thing. If you used a towel in your tub you probably shouldn't wash it with anything else unless you like grease spots all over your wardrobe. Make sure you drink plenty of water (preferably not ice cold -- warm is even better) immediately afterwards to help flush out all the toxins you stirred up.

Like all massage, you might feel kind of poopy and run down later that day. Toxins, remember? Drink a bunch more water and give yourself another massage.